I wouldn’t say I’m suicidal. I’ve done a lot of research lately on the whole topic of suicide. The signs are loss of interest of activities, withdrawing socially, change of appearance, risk taking, giving away possessions, and more symptoms. I’m not doing those, though. I cut my hair a long time ago, so my change in appearance isn’t new. I’ve lost interest in writing and reading a while ago because I just couldn’t concentrate. I haven’t been risky. I haven’t given away anything. No signs. The last sign is usually going from an upset state of mind to calm. I feel in a way that I can only describe as monotone.
From what I’ve read in a clinical matter, patients usually talk about death before committing suicide. They have a plan. Then one day, they show up fine. Then they’re dead. For me, I talk in a way where I seem so unsure and attention needing. I have so many plans running in my head. Some episodes of feeling terrible, I plan on chemicals. Sometimes meds. Sometimes cutting.
Now, it’s different. I’ve been carefully learning how to do this properly. I wrote out letters a while ago. I stated who got what of my belongings. Even my cat was thought of. At first I thought I would use safety blades to slit my veins. I did a test run. On my wrist, I sliced along a vein. It went deep after I ran the blade over the same spot a few times. The problem was that I’m a weakling for pain. My wrist and hand were shaking too much as I prepared to test my blade.
I didn’t want to hit a vein, I just needed to try it out and see what I need to prepare for. I can only take so much pain, as already stated, so slitting my artery is going to be hard with just a cheap safety blade. The blades weren’t made with great quality like they used to be.
Half a year ago, I just took apart disposable razors to injure myself. Then my therapist was being honest with me and said if I wanted to do real damage, I could just actually by blades. I know it wasn’t meant to be encouraging me, but that’s what it felt like. So now, I have these blades that my therapist mentioned. They won’t do the job for someone who is easily terrified.
Straight razor. I’ve done so much reading on these. On some websites, people that self injure admit they didn’t use straight razors anymore because it was scary how deep they went. It “practically sinks into your skin.” This is perfect. It would be a simple slice and I couldn’t chicken out once I try.
I’ve spent so much time going store to store looking for them. I’ve looked at straight razors online. I can get one that’ll do the job for under 15 dollars. Apparently, Walmart, CVS, Walgreens, and a bunch of other places carry them. I’ve gone to so many stores, staring and looking through the razor area. I’m so desperate that even after therapy, I went across the street to a place that could have them.
I haven’t had any luck. In fact, on a Walmart run yesterday (which was also after therapy), I was in the way of a man so I apologized. After a second thought, I turned to him and said “You’re a man, do you think you could help me?” He said he didn’t see any straight razors and explained they are also called cut-throat razors. We chatted about England after he spoke about his country. Then, he recommended the best razors to find on Amazon and said, “I’m guessing you’re looking for your dad for Father’s Day?”
I felt the need to cry and tell him the truth. Instead, I nodded and after a little conversation, I left. Another bust. It seems I have to purchase one online, but I am hesitant because I do not want it to show up on my bank statement. Also, I don’t want it to show up on my front porch step and my parents ask why. I’ll continue looking for a straight blade.
But even without a straight blade, killing myself keeps running through my mind. With all the information in my mind, I could kill myself in just five minutes by being alone. I refuse, so I must not be suicidal. The truth is, slitting wrists is one of least lethal ways to commit suicide. I feel like it will be lethal with me. I’m not a clueless teenager who thinks slicing horizontally will kill me. That’ll cut tendons and the veins will clot up. Without being able to use my hand, I wouldn’t be able to slit my other wrist.
Slitting my wrists is almost a “comforting” way to die. I have cut myself so many times. It’ll be too normal. Less panicky. It’s just a simple “motion” for me. I put my pointer finger on my wrist (thumbs pulse so I can’t use them) and feel my heartbeat. That’s where the artery is. I’ll have to drink lots of water the day before so I can have more blood flow. Usually, I assumed I would take a hot bath when I kill myself because it plumps up the veins. However, that is not an option.
Once I slit my arteries, I’ll go for my neck. I’m still learning the anatomy of where other arteries are. I know there are some in the groin area.
I just spend so much time on the Internet researching suicide topics. I read other people’s experiences from surviving or losing a family member. I read articles on the lethality of some suicide methods. I can even place a bag over my head and breathe in helium. It wouldn’t hurt, just make me pass out and then die. It’s the only painless method I have heard.
So many thoughts running in my head. I’ve spent so much time staring at my wrist and memorizing the details of it and how it reacts to how I move it. I’m trying to understand. I don’t want to fuck up…. but then there are moments of clarity. Suddenly, I’m scared of dying. I feel alive for a little bit. Then, (almost out of the blue) I feel like a different person. I’m not scared. I find myself laying the razor across my wrist and staring. I don’t feel like myself. I’m suddenly alive but my body is not in the sense that I feel solemn. I see her. I see her sitting with blades and she is a mystery to me but I can still feel how she feels.